“Pimp Daddy Miroku”

By: M.W. Roach

Miroku strolled through the crowded streets of the busy village. He had been sent into town by the others to get supplies. As he collected the necessities, an ad caught his eye. It read;

Lord Kyoto is enlisting possible demon or half demon suitors to help his daughter bear a child. Reward: one large Shikon jewel shard. For official details, see Lord Kyoto.

Miroku pondered the possible outcomes of signing Inuyasha up. Sure, the silver-haired hanyou may become upset, but a jewel shard is at stake. Miroku decided to visit with the town Lord.

He approached the large stairway leading up to the palace. This Lord was obviously very wealthy. Miroku climbed to the top and a servant let him in. The Lord was a tall man. He was dressed in jewels and gold. He had long, graying hair. Miroku bowed his head.

“Greetings, sir. I read your ad and…”

“You are not a demon!” Lord Kyoto said, brushing Miroku away. “Leave me boy, I wish for a demon.”

“That is why I am here, good sir. You see, my friend is a half demon. A dog demon.”

“You don’t say?” Kyoto asked, pleased.

“It’s true sir. He would give your daughter a fine child. If I may ask, why is it you want a demon to impregnate your daughter? You look like a human to me.”

“I want powerful grandchildren. We will be the most powerful village in the nation if our rulers are mixed with demons.”

Miroku nodded. It was a good goal. Now he thought about Inuyasha. Would the hanyou really get angry with him?

“May I see the shard being offered?” The monk inquired.

The man nodded and sent one of the servants off to retrieve it. He returned and handed the jewel to Kyoto.

“Gaze upon it, young man. It is a good deal, is it not?” He asked, holding the shard out to Miroku.

The monk was hypnotized by the enormous shard. It was double the thickness of a usual shard. Miroku nodded.

“What a reward! My friend, the dog demon, would be happy to put his seed in your daughter!”

The Lord nodded. “Wonderful! Does this dog have a name?”

“His name is Inuyasha.”

Inuyasha lifted his head. Miroku had returned. Eagerly, Inuyasha leapt from his tree. To his surprise, the monk was empty-handed.

“Where’s the food and supplies?” He snapped.

Miroku sighed. “I’m sorry. I forgot all about them.”

“You idiot! Give Sango the money and she’ll go.”

“Actually…” Miroku grinned. “I kind of spent the money on a meeting with the powerful town lord.”

“Town lord?” Kagome asked. “For what?”

“Well…” Miroku was beginning to get nervous. He turned to Inuyasha. “What would you say if you could get a jewel shard twice the size of any you’ve ever seen?”

Everyone got up and surrounded the monk.

“A giant jewel shard?” Sango smiled.

“Where, Miroku?” Shippo begged to know.

The monk’s nervous gaze went to Inuyasha, who stood rigid, arms crossed. Miroku smirked.

“Well…Inuyasha has to do something.”

“Yeah? And what would that be?” Inuyasha asked suspiciously.

Miroku stayed silent. He blushed slightly. The group took a step back.

“Miroku, what did you do?” Sango asked.

“N-nothing.” Miroku stuttered. “Umm…Inuyasha has to do a favor to the town Lord, is all.”

“What do I have to do, monk? Spill it already!” Inuyasha shouted, losing his patience.

Miroku backed into a tree. There was nowhere to run now. Might as well let him have it.

“Inuyasha, you’re a virgin, right?” Miroku asked, trying to lay it on the hanyou easy.

“What the hell does that have to do with anything!?” Inuyasha spat, offended by the personal question.

“Umm…you know.”

“No, I don’t!”

“Alright, alright.” Miroku took a deep breath. “Inuyasha…you are going to trade your seed for the jewel shard.”

Inuyasha tilted his head. “Trade my seed? What does that…”

Inuyasha stopped, his eye twitching. Miroku tried to sneak off into the trees, but Inuyasha grabbed him by the throat.

“Now, say that again?” Inuyasha asked in a low, menacing voice.

“Uh…seed for shard. It’s a perfectly fair trade.”

Inuyasha dropped Miroku. He turned to the girls, his eyes burning. “Do you hear this or am I going crazy?”

“You heard right.” Sango said in a monotone voice.

“Yep.” Kagome agreed. “He just pimped you.”

“Oh, come on!” Miroku shouted. “When you say ‘pimped’ of course it’s going to sound bad!”

Inuyasha glared at Miroku.

“You are going to go back to that village and get the money back! I refuse to go down in history as the dog demon ho!”

Miroku lifted his finger. “Half dog demon ho.”

Inuyasha growled and punched Miroku in the head. While the monk rubbed his sore cranium, he whispered to Inuyasha.

“She’s very beautiful.” He lied. He’d never laid eyes on this girl.

“IT DOESN’T MATTER! I AM NOT SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE I DON’T EVEN KNOW!”

“Umm, Inuyasha.” Kagome’s voice said softly. Inuyasha turned to her.

“What?”

Kagome scratched the back of her neck.

“Well…it sounds like a pretty big jewel shard…and we haven’t gotten one in a while…”

Inuyasha gasped. “Kagome! Of all people I wouldn’t expect you to be on this lecher’s side!”

“I’m not on his side. What he did was wrong, but…it wouldn’t kill you, you know.”

Inuyasha was shocked beyond belief. “I DON’T BELIEVE WHAT I’M HEARING!”

“I agree with Inuyasha.” Sango said firmly. “This is wrong! Kagome, how could you?”

Kagome pulled Sango aside.

“Come on Sango, I know he won’t go through with it” Kagome whispered. “I’m just having a little fun.”

Sango smiled and winked. They turned back to Inuyasha.

“You know, Kagome does have a point.” Sango said with a fake grin. “So what if Miroku pimped you for a jewel shard? We sure could use it.”

Inuyasha grumbled and moaned to himself, his hand over his face.

“Besides, don’t think of it as pimping.” Miroku added. “Think of it as sexual services in exchange for something of value.”

The girls glared at Miroku.

“You can still beat him up if you want, Inuyasha.” Kagome advised.

“Yeah, he still did it without your permission.” Sango stated.

Inuyasha smirked and cracked his knuckles.

“My pleasure!”

Inuyasha returned from the town a few hours after pounding the daylights out of Miroku. Kagome searched Inuyasha’s arms, but found no sustinance.

“Inuyasha, where’s the food?”

Inuyasha sighed.

“There is none. I…I spoke with the Lord of that town and…” Inuyasha closed his eyes. “I’m gonna do it.”

“Do what?” Sango asked.

“I’m going to nail the guy’s daughter.”

Kagome threw her hands over her mouth. “You’re not serious!”

“Yes, I am! You’re the one who talked me into it!”

“Inuyasha, we were joking. You can’t possibly go through with this!” Sango pleaded.

Inuyasha grunted and turned away. “Well, it’s too late now. I was chosen and I start tonight.”

“Start? What do you mean ‘start’?” Kagome wondered.

Inuyasha shrugged. “I guess it means that I gotta do it a few times for her to conceive. Though, I’m not really sure.”

“Have you seen her yet?” Miroku asked from a far corner, still tending to his swollen, black eye.

“Not yet.”

“Do you know what you’re doing?” Miroku asked, a little quieter.

“OF COURSE I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING! How hard could it be?”

Miroku shrugged. Well, that’s going to be embarrassing.

Kagome got up and pulled on Inuyasha’s clothes. “Inuyasha, please don’t do this! It’s not worth it!”

Inuyasha yanked his haori out of her hands. “You shoulda thought of that before you convinced me to do this! It’s too late now.”

Kagome felt like dropping to her knees and sobbing, but had a better way of dealing with this.

“SIT! Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit!” She commanded.

Inuyasha lay in a hole, paralyzed.

“That hurt me more then it hurt you, Inuyasha.” She whimpered.

Inuyasha got up, infuriated.

“NOW, NOT ONLY AM I GONNA ROCK HER WORLD, BUT I’M GONNA DO IT WITH THE LIGHTS ON! SO, HA!”

That said, Inuyasha stormed away towards the village. Kagome, steaming mad, cupped her hands over her mouth and shouted to the hanyou.

“GO AHEAD! I HOPE YOU HAVE AN ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION! I’M GOING HOME!”

Kagome stomped over to the well and flung herself in. Sango glared at Miroku and swatted him with a stick.

“I hope you’re happy!”

Shippo, too, scoffed at the monk and walked away. Miroku sighed.

“It’s always my fault.” He looked at little Kirara. “You still like me, don’t you, Kirara?”

Kirara hissed and walked away. I use my tongue for toilet paper and even I think you’re gross!

Inuyasha approached the Lord’s mansion. He took a deep breath before entering. Servant girls stood, waiting for him. Lord Kyoto was among them. Inuyasha stared suspiciously at the fine young girls.

“I don’t have to sleep with them too, do I?”

Kyoto laughed. “No, my boy. These are the bride’s maids.”

Inuyasha nodded. “Ah. Okay. Who’s getting married?”

Again, Kyoto laughed. “You are a funny lad. Come with me.”

Inuyasha followed the man into a large room with several expensive outfits laid out.

“Choose one.” Kyoto ordered.

Inuyasha scratched his head. “Now, I’m no expert at intercourse, but I think it’d be difficult to do it with our clothes on.”

Kyoto chuckled and slapped his knee. “What a sense of humor!”

Kyoto tossed Inuyasha a suit. When the confused hanyou was done getting dressed, he followed the tall lord into another room, this one full of people. Kyoto led Inuyasha to a gazebo. Inuyasha looked around.

“I didn’t know people were going to be watching us. That’s...kinda weird.”

“They are the Lords and Ladies of other villages. It is custom that they be here for the marriage ceremony.”

Inuyasha nodded. “Oh.” After a few minutes, it finally clicked in. “WHAT! MARRIGE CEREMONY?”

Inuyasha jumped off the gazebo. “I didn’t know we had to get married! I just thought we’d…you know.”

“Wha- fornicate?” Lord Kyoto asked, shocked. “My boy, you must be married first! My daughter…she will be your wife.”

“WHOA, NO! No, no, no, no, no! That was NOT part of the deal! Marriage was NOT mentioned!”

“Well, ‘tis too late for that, Inuyasha. Here is your bride!”

Inuyasha turned to see the biggest, zit-covered, green toothed, bald-headed woman he ever did see.

“Ooh…you look so tasty!” The girl screeched in a nails-on-chalkboard voice.

Inuyasha screamed the girliest scream ever. He bolted from the palace, wailing and flailing pathetically.

A foxy, blue eyed girl appeared from behind her obese, scary-beyond-all-reason sister.

“Where is my groom-to-be?” She asked in a soothing voice.

The large girl shrugged.

“I dunno! He took off like he’d seen a ghost.”

Kagome had returned to the others. They all looked up when they seen Inuyasha suddenly dive behind Miroku.

“Wow, that was quick.” Miroku teased. “Did our baby Tetsusaiga use its Wind Scar a little too soon?”

“Shut up, monk! Just shut your stupid mouth!”

Miroku laughed. Inuyasha turned to Kagome, who for some reason looked beautiful.

“I am so sorry, Kagome! I never should have agreed to Miroku’s stupid deal!”

Kagome grunted and turned away. “It doesn’t matter, now. The deed is done.”

“I didn’t do anything, Kagome! Honest! She…she frightened me!”

Kagome gave a little smirk. “Really? Do you really mean that?”

“Uh-huh!”

Kagome tapped Inuyasha’s head.

“Okay, I forgive you! Only…”

“What?”

“Where is your haori?”

Inuyasha gasped.

“Oh, no! I left it at the mansion!”

“I’ll retrieve it for you, Inuyasha.” Miroku offered.

Miroku tapped gently at the mansion door. Someone opened it.

“Excuse me, if it is not too much trouble, may I…”

“Ooh, you’re even tastier!” A screechy voice cackled.

Miroku looked up in horror. The girl threw her hands around the frightened monk. She rubbed his chin and whispered in his ear.

“You know, my suitor doesn’t have to be a demon! You wanna?”

“Wanna what?” Miroku squeaked.

Inuyasha sat with the girls. He sighed and looked at the disappearing sun.

“Miroku’s been gone an awful long time.”

Suddenly, Inuyasha’s haori was thrown at him. The girls and Inuyasha looked up to see a tattered, bleeding Miroku. The panting monk tossed Inuyasha the jewel shard.

“Hey! How’d you get this?” Inuyasha asked. It was only then that the hanyou noticed Miroku wearing a suit.

“How?” Miroku gasped out. “Does a 600 pound walrus of a woman riding me like a Russian racehorse answer your question?”

Inuyasha cracked up. “No way!”

“Painfully, yes!”

Miroku limped over to the rest of the group.

“Why are you limping?” Sango questioned.

Miroku pointed down.

“I think…she broke it.”

The group laughed. Inuyasha got up and touched Miroku’s shoulder. “I hope you see the lesson in this.”

“I do.” Miroku said with a nod. “Next time I try pimping…I’m using girls! Kagome, Sango....”