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This is a follow-up to “Things Sesshomaru Would Never Say” by MomoDesu and myself. Once again, while chatting on yahooIM, we came up with another fantastic idea for a collaboration. Without further ado, we give you:

Things Sesshomaru Would Say

Or

What the Fuck is Wrong With You Ningens?

Fanfiction? About this Sesshomaru?

Carefully using the strange contraption that the humans called a “mouse” (though it looked like no mouse he had ever before seen) Sesshoumaru eyed the screen.

“Lies!” he hissed harshly as his honeyed gaze narrowed dangerously. “What ails these ningens? Has the entire race gone mad?”

Continuing to peruse the “fanfics,” Sesshomaru began to mentally tick off everything that was wrong with the mortal’s stories.

(1) "Never has this Sesshomaru had sexual relations with the hanyou, though that position does look interesting..."

(2)"If this Sesshoumaru enjoyed licking his genitalia while in dog form he would never leave the house."

(3)"This Sesshomaru did not get into my mother's makeup as a child."

(4) These are markings of my ancestors, not tattoos."

(5) "This Sesshomaru does not have a tail!"

(6) “Why in Kami’s name would this Sesshomaru throw himself at anyone? Who needs love when you have Tokijin?”

(7) “When did this Sesshomaru learn how to waltz? That is NOT part of a warrior’s training!”

(8) “This Sesshomaru is PREGNANT?” shakes head sadly “Poor little confused ningens….”

(9) “ Why does everyone think this Sesshomaru is lonely or just afraid to let anyone get close to him? Do they not understand that I’m a heartless taiyoukai? That is it; it is no deeper than that. It does not take a great scholar to understand the concept.”

(10) “Why would this Sesshomaru ever have a sexual relationship with the half-breed whelp, houshi, or the vile Naraku? Kami forbid, all three at once! They are all loathsome.”

(11) “How did this Sesshomaru become a woman?” reaches hand down to check for appropriate “parts” “This Sesshomaru thought not.”

(12) “Why is it always this Sesshomaru that is homosexual? Why not give the whelp a turn?”

(13) “Why is this Sesshomaru in bed with his brother? Foul humans…”

(14) “The miko and this Sesshomaru?” glares harshly and left eye faintly twitches “The ningens have obviously missed some form of medication lately…”

(15) “For the LAST TIME! This Sesshomaru is MALE and cannot get fucking pregnant!”

This fic in now way shape or form takes itself seriously, and neither should you. While the authors encourage all forms of fanfiction, they do find certain elements of other’s stories… amusing.