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Guilty Hero

Chapter 32: Christmas Morning

“Inu-Yasha…”  Kagome’s  voice broke into Inu-Yasha’s thoughts, and for a moment he thought a very pleasant dream was about to begin.  However, as her voice grew louder the closer to consciousness he came, he soon realized that it wasn’t a dream at all, so he made an effort to wake up and greet her properly.  Fighting off the remnants of an entire bottle of whiskey, however, was easier said than done, and it took Kagome a couple more attempts to rouse him before he finally awoke.

“Inu-Yasha…  Inu-Yasha, wake up, it’s Christmas!”  She shook his arm gently, though he could tell from her tone of voice that she was quite eager for him to awaken.  He moaned and shifted a bit on the couch, trying to let her know that he was up so she would stop shaking him.

Once he felt her remove her hand from his arm, he slowly dragged his eyes open, cringing from the harsh light in the room.  However, Kagome’s blurry figure in front of him slowly came into focus, distracting him from the lights that caused his head to pound so badly.  She was smiling brightly at him, clearly excited about something, and he stared blearily at her, a little confused.  What on earth could she possibly be excited about at such an ungodly hour?

“Good morning!” she said cheerfully, pleased to see him awake.  “Well, afternoon, I should say,  but it’s technically Christmas morning for you.  Now come, up, up!”  She rapidly motioned for him to sit up.

Too groggy to argue against her rather strong will, Inu-Yasha regretfully left the comfort of his soft pillows and pushed himself upright on the couch, groaning and shutting his eyes as the world spun for a moment with a nauseating motion that made him wonder if he would need to make a mad dash for the kitchen sink.   However, once he was sitting up, Kagome pushed a glass of her hangover cure in his hand.

“There you go.  Drink up.”

He didn’t need to be told twice before swallowing the cool, though nasty-tasting water that would eventually help his nausea recede and relieve his headache.  While he was doing so, he noticed Kagome still crouched in front of him on the floor, eagerly watching him.  Pulling the now-empty glass away from his lips, he gave her a questioning look, still a little too dazed to speak yet.

Seeing that he was done, Kagome ignored his gaze and pulled the glass from his hand, replacing it with a mug of coffee.  “Here.  A few sips of that should help you wake up.”

Gratefully accepting the mug, he took a long drink of the blessed liquid, sighing a little as the warmth seeped through his chilled limbs and helped to dispel the fog that was clouding his head.  Once again, he realized that Kagome was still watching him with a look of excitement on her face that made him a little nervous, but it took a few more sips of coffee before he could speak his mind.

“What’re you lookin’ at me like that for?” he muttered, rubbing his head in an attempt to ease the throbbing.

Her smiling growing wider, she replied mysteriously, “Notice anything different around here?”

Frowning, for he felt it was far too early for guessing games, he grudgingly dragged his gaze around the room, although it took him but a minute to spot something out of the ordinary.  Resting against the table his TV sat on was a large, lumpy, red and white stocking.  Blinking at it for a moment, he finally growled, “What is it?  What is that?”  Even in his ears, he sounded a little too inquisitive, but Kagome seemed to be pleased by his curiosity.  Quickly getting to her feet, she gathered up the stocking and brought it over to him, removing his coffee mug and replacing it with the heavy object.

“Merry Christmas!” she cried, sitting down on the coffee table so she could watch him properly.  “It’s Christmas morning, and what’s Christmas morning without your own stocking?  Go on, stick your hand in there!”

For a moment he sat perfectly still, staring at the red and white mound of fur in his lap.  He appeared to be having difficulty computing the situation, until he finally looked up at her, concern in his eyes.  “…Christmas morning?” he repeated slowly.  “Then what the hell are you doin’ here?  You should be at your own home, celebrating Christmas with your family.”

Kagome waved the comment away like she would a fly.  “Oh nonsense.  It’s one in the afternoon, Inu-Yasha.  I had Christmas with my family hours ago.  Right now the kids are playing with their gifts and the adults are taking naps because they stayed up too late wrapping presents.  So I figured it was the perfect time to come visit you.   So no, this is your Christmas morning, it just happens to be taking place in the afternoon.  Now, quit worrying about such silly stuff and dig in there!”

Even with that worry cast aside, Inu-Yasha still sat motionless, staring down at his stocking.  Slowly, he fingered the soft fur.  “I’ve… never had a stocking before…” he mumbled.  Not even during his three Christmases with Kikyo had he received a stocking. 

“Well then,” Kagome replied, “all the more reason to find out what’s inside, hm?”  When he looked up at her with a worried expression, she smiled encouragingly at him, hoping to ease his discomfort enough to enjoy the gifts inside.  Seeing her smile, his expression of worry eased slightly, and he carefully, with great hesitation, stuck his hand inside the stocking.

The first thing he pulled out was an enormous red apple.  Glancing at Kagome looking a little confused, she explained, “It’s a classic tradition.  I thought you shouldn’t miss out on it.”

Nodding, he sniffed it once, for the smell of a fresh apple was delicious even with a hangover, then set it next to him on the couch and reached in the stocking once more.  Next he removed a large can of cashew nuts, and once again looked to Kagome.  “Another tradition?” he asked.

She smiled sheepishly at him.  “Not really.  But I know you like to eat, and nuts are the perfect thing to snack on every now and again.”

She noticed that, as he nodded once again and set the nuts by his apple, that he was slowly growing a little more confident, and a little less worried about the whole affair.  She knew that he wasn’t going to react in quite the same way as her little cousins did on Christmas morning, but she hoped he would warm up to the idea quickly enough, and perhaps even enjoy himself for once.

Inu-Yasha, who was oblivious to Kagome’s musing as he reached inside his stocking once again, couldn’t help but feel a bit of excitement creeping over him as he wondered what else could possibly be inside.  He was starting to feel what everyone felt when they received their stockings on Christmas morning; a burning curiosity as to what was held inside the oddly-shaped bag that was never satiated until you had felt all the way into the toe.  The thrill of pulling gift after gift out with still more to go was slowly coming over him, and he felt around inside with a growing eagerness.  However, when his fingers closed around a box that felt quite familiar to him, he pulled out the item and looked at Kagome, quite confused.

“Cigarettes?” he asked.  “But you hate these…”

Hoping to reassure him, for once again he looked like he was more worried than joyful about the situation, she replied, “Don’t worry, Inu-Yasha.  Christmas is about what the gift-receiver likes, not what the gift-giver likes.  I know you like cigarettes, so I gave you cigarettes.  That’s how simple it is.”

“But…  You said, back when I was in the hospital, that you would never buy me these.”

With a smile at how hesitant he was to accept the gift, she said with a tone of finality, “That’s the beauty of Christmas, Inu-Yasha.  Things that never happen do.  Just don’t expect me to buy you anymore the rest of the year, all right?  Now go on, stick your hand back in there and quit arguing.”

A tiny grin tugging at his lips, which pleased Kagome to no end, Inu-Yasha set the pack of cigarettes aside and reached into the stocking once more, this time having to dig all the way in the bottom to grab the last item.  As a crackling noise was created as his fingers closed around several cellophane wrappers, he pulled his hand out with several tiny candy bars clutched in his fist.

“Candy in your stocking,” Kagome offered by way of explanation.  “Another classic tradition I wasn’t about to let you go without.  And I think that’s it.”

Setting the now empty stocking aside, Inu-Yasha stared at the little collection that had amassed next to him on the couch, giving a small sigh of pleasure.  It was odd how content he felt, for the feeling of receiving such gifts was very new to him.  However, he did know that he liked the feeling very much, and he couldn’t help but murmur, “Thank you, Kagome,” while a blush stained his cheeks.

Feeling terribly pleased with herself, for she wasn’t sure how readily Inu-Yasha would have accepted her idea of even having a ‘Christmas morning’ at all, she reached forward and gave him a short, strong hug.  “You’re welcome.”  As she pulled away, she could hardly keep herself from laughing, for his blush seemed to explode as his cheeks burned a bright red that ran all the way up to his ears.

Turning away to give him a chance to get over his embarrassment, she rustled around in her bag for a moment before finally facing him once again, this time with a packet of white tissue paper in hand.

“So, I noticed yesterday that you didn’t have a topper for your tree.”

Inu-Yasha frowned for a moment, trying to recall when Kagome had seen his tree, but his memory was a little foggy concerning the day before.  However, he did remember feeling strangely happy at one point, and he also recalled how comfortable he had been right before he had fallen asleep, and he knew the only time he had been so comfortable was when he was resting on Kagome’s lap.  She must’ve come over last night, then… he thought, a little surprised that she would do such a thing for him.  Still, for having remembered such an intense burst of happiness, he must have been pleased to see her.  A flush still burning on his cheeks, he decided to focus on what Kagome was saying.

“…I thought you might want one, but since the department stores were so busy and traffic was so bad, I decided to enlist the help of my cousins, and after we opened presents this morning, we made you a tree topper.  Here.”  She handed him the tissue paper package.  “Be careful, though, it’s kind of fragile.”

Accepting it, he slowly pulled away the layers of tissue paper, mindful of his claws, until at last the item inside was laid out in full display.  It was an oddly-shaped star, with a couple sides slightly squashed.  It was made of metallic pipe cleaners in an odd array of colors including gold, red, purple, green, and blue, and was covered with dried glue that had amassed during the addition of several sequins, glitter, plastic beads, and puff balls, all in garish, neon colors.  A popsicle stick had been glued to the back to give it stability, and there were three pipe cleaners hanging off the bottom that were obviously meant to wrap around the top of the tree.

Kagome, watching Inu-Yasha as he stared motionlessly at it, felt the need to explain.  “I know, I know, my cousins got a little carried away with the project, but when I told them how sad you were on Christmas, they wanted to cheer you up.  And of course, you absolutely can just toss the thing when we’re done here, but I thought, at least for Christmas Day, you might want something on the top of your tree.”

Inu-Yasha, who had been silent only because his throat was so constricted that he couldn’t speak, slowly pushed himself to his feet, holding the star gently in his hands.  Pausing for just a moment, for his hangover wasn’t about to relinquish its grip on him just because it was a holiday, he shook his head to stop the room from spinning and then carefully went over to his tree.

“It’s fine…” he grunted, his voice a little hoarse.  Reaching up, he twisted the pipe cleaners around the top and pulled them tight, then back away a couple of steps so he could get the full effect.

In general, the tree still looked pretty pathetic.  Half the lights were still dead, the ornaments were still dull and rusty, and the topper on top clearly looked like a group of four year olds had made it.  But once again Inu-Yasha’s throat constricted with emotion at the sight, for he had never had a complete Christmas tree in his apartment before.

Casting his gaze down so he could gain control over himself once again, he suddenly stopped dead when he noticed something sitting under the tree.  There was a box wrapped in a shiny red paper with a green bow on top, and was so large that he marveled how he could have missed it before.

“Kagome, what is that?  What is it?” he asked suddenly, making her jump in surprise.  Following the direction his finger was pointing at, a large grin split her face when she realized what he had finally noticed.

“I guess it’s time to open your present,” she said.  “Go on, sit down on the couch again, I’ll bring it to you.”

“But… I already got presents,” he said slowly, easing onto the sofa cushions as Kagome went over to the tree.  “My stocking, remember?”

“Oh, Inu-Yasha…” she sighed, shaking her head in mock pity.  “Stockings and presents are two totally different things.  You get both on Christmas morning.  Now…”  Bending down to pick up the box, Inu-Yasha watched in fascination and growing excitement as Kagome strained to lift it, for it was clearly very heavy.  Then, carrying it over to him, she set it on the ground in front of him with a thump.  “There.”  Quickly going over to sit in the armchair so she could watch him, she shooed him on.  “Go on!  Open it!  It’s yours!”

Pausing only for a moment, for his curiosity was getting the better of him, he tore at the wrapping paper, feeling like a little pup as he ripped it away.  It was terribly fun, and he was almost sad once it was off, except that his desire to find out what was inside cast aside that feeling.  With one more glance at Kagome, who nodded in encouragement, he sliced open the tape that held the thin, white, cardboard lid shut and lifted it up.

Inside lay, in stark contrast to the white box, a slightly familiar red yarn.  Reaching inside, Inu-Yasha pulled it out and realized that the yarn had actually been woven into an enormous, heavy quilt.  Easily seven foot long and just as wide, it was made up of several crochet blocks sewn together, and, as he studied the blocks closer, he realized why they were so familiar.

“This… this is what you were working on when you first came here…” he said finally, lowering the blanket so he could look at Kagome.  “You’ve been working on this the whole time?”

She nodded, still a little worried about his reaction; he hadn’t shown any outright joy or pleasure, but nor had he shown his dislike for it, so she was a bit confused.  “Yes.  I noticed the first time I came in here how so many of your blankets were in such poor condition that I thought you might want a good, homemade quilt.”  She blushed a little.  “It turned into a bigger project than I expected, so I had to have Mama help me sew it together in the end—it’s what we did last night, actually.  And I know we also just bought you all those blankets and things at the department store, but you never can have too many blankets, right?”

She watched him closely, for his expression was unreadable.  He was holding the blanket in one fist and running his fingers over the soft yarn with the other, staring blankly at it.

“Inu-Yasha?” she asked softly, growing concerned.  “Don’t… don’t you like it?”

Suddenly, he stood up, setting the blanket down on the couch.  “Stay there,” he snapped, and quickly dashed out of the room and down the hallway, and a moment later Kagome heard his bedroom door slam shut.

Inu-Yasha leaned against the door, panting a little.  Tears pricked at his eyes as the emotions he had been trying to hold back the entire time surged forth.  He hated to have Kagome see him so weak, but the holiday had come so swiftly and without warning upon him that he couldn’t hold back.  Letting out a single sob, he turned and rested his forehead against the door, wiping roughly at his eyes to try and stop the flow.

The whole experience was surreal for him.  He just couldn’t understand why someone would go to such lengths for him to make certain that he would have a good holiday.  Kagome had thrown together a stocking, she had commissioned a star to be made for him, she had done her best to generate the feel and excitement of Christmas morning, and she had even been working on a gift, a beautiful, amazing gift, for him since she had accepted the job as his personal nurse nearly two months ago.  He just could not comprehend why someone would put so much effort into a day for him.  All he knew was that he was happier than he had been in years—hell, in his entire life—and it was all because one woman cared enough about him to want to help.

Still sniffling and swiping at tears that kept overflowing, he shuffled over to his closet and flung the door open, then began to dig around in the back in search of something.  Kagome had been so kind to give him such a wonderful gift that he knew what he had gotten for her was nothing in comparison, but it was all he had, and she certainly wasn’t going to leave his apartment without it.

Back in the living room, Kagome sat in the armchair, still trying to figure out Inu-Yasha’s reaction to her present.  She had hoped he would like it, for the hours she had spent putting it together had not been the most pleasant because of its enormous size.  However, she had seen how Inu-Yasha tended to burrow into his blankets and wrap himself up in a cocoon with them, so she made certain the afghan was big enough for him to do that.

Does he not like the color…? she pondered to herself, leaning forward to finger a corner of the blanket.  But I asked him once, and he said he liked it.  Well… maybe not.  But he didn’t say he didn’t like it.  He was even sober at the time, I’m sure of it. So what does he not like about it? 

Her musing was interrupted when Inu-Yasha finally emerged from the bedroom and stomped into the living room, tossing at her a dusty brown paper bag that was tied together with some string at the top.

“Here,” he grunted, flopping down on the couch and immediately pulling the blanket over his lap.  “That’s for you.  It ain’t much…”

Realizing that the bag was Inu-Yasha’s way of wrapping a present, she glanced curiously at him before gingerly tugging the string off the top, bringing up a cloud of dust as she did so.  Clearly, he had gotten this gift a while ago.  Peering inside, for her curiosity was too great to savor the moment, she suddenly gasped in surprise and quickly reached down, grasping the gift and pulling it from the confines of the bag.

“Inu-Yasha…” she said, running her hand over the familiar, cartoon-kitten covered notebook set as the paper bag fluttered to the ground.  “You remembered?  This was from over a month ago!  During our fight with the carrion crow, even!”

Inu-Yasha was staring down at his hands, which were fidgeting with the edge of his new afghan.  “Well… you… really liked it then,” he mumbled, avoiding her gaze.  “I went back a few days later and picked it up.  You… you do still want it, don’t you?”

Since he had his head down, he didn’t notice when she stood up and walked over to him.  However, when she planted a kiss on his cheek, he quickly looked up in surprise, flushing a tomato red.

“Inu-Yasha, I love it,” she said, smiling gently at him.  “Thank you.”

Fumbling about for a moment, he finally looked away again and muttered softly, “I like my new blanket…”

Pleased beyond measure, Kagome gave him a quick squeeze around the shoulders before standing up straight.  “Well.  Merry Christmas, right?”

“M-merry Christmas.”

Once Kagome cleared away the wrapping paper and got the room back in order, she returned to stand in front of Inu-Yasha, who still had the blanket on his lap and was sipping at his now-cold cup of coffee, looking hesitantly happy.

“I’m afraid the time has come for me to leave…” she said sadly, picking up her notebook set from the coffee table and carefully placing it inside her bag.  “I promised Mama I’d help her prepare the big Christmas dinner for the family.”

“Oh…”  Inu-Yasha’s joy suddenly seemed to dissipate, for he had been enjoying himself quite a bit with her there that afternoon.  “Okay.”

She smiled sorrowfully down at him.  “I’m sorry.  I asked Mama again if I could invite you over for dinner, but many of our relatives brought wine as gifts.  It would be rude not to use it tonight, and Mama didn’t want to put you in a situation that was too tempting.”

Inu-Yasha waved a hand, trying to pretend like he wasn’t upset.  “No, no.  It’s fine.  I-I’m still not feelin’ too well anyway.”

With a slight frown, she nodded and went over to the foyer to put on her coat.  Inu-Yasha followed after her, picking up her bag from the armchair so she wouldn’t have to go back to get it.  Once her coat was on and she went out to the landing, he handed her the bag, looking more than a little forlorn.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can give you a ride down today,” he mumbled, looking a little embarrassed.  “My stomach isn’t quite settled enough for that.”

“Oh, that’s all right, I’ll be fine.  Thank you anyway.”

For a moment they stood in an awkward silence on the landing, wondering how to say goodbye.  Kagome hated to leave Inu-Yasha alone, for he looked so sad at the thought of being by himself again.  But she couldn’t go back on her promise to her mother, especially after all Mama Higurashi had done for her to help Inu-Yasha.  Scuffing the toe of her shoe on the floor, she finally said, “Well, I really need to be go—“

She was abruptly cut off in a fierce embrace when Inu-Yasha pulled her forward, wrapping his arms around her and burying his face in her shoulder.

“Thank you, Kagome…” he murmured in her surprised silence.  “Thank you for giving me a Christmas.  I haven’t had one in so long…”

Slowly, Kagome returned the gesture,  taken aback by such an open display of emotion.  She said nothing in reply, for it seemed that her touch was enough for the demon.

At last, after several moments they finally pulled apart, both a little embarrassed.  Picking up her bag, which she had dropped during the embrace, she turned and walked over to the stairwell.  “Goodbye, Inu-Yasha,” she said.  “Take care of yourself today, and I should be back tomorrow.  Do you want me to bring a plate of leftovers back from dinner tonight?  Mama is an excellent cook…”

He nodded slowly, looking a little pensive.  “Sure.  That sounds great.”

Smiling at him, she finally turned and started to walk down the stairs.

As he watched her leave, he felt an odd surge of loneliness sweep over him once again, and when it did, realization finally hit him in the head like a ton of bricks.  Out of nowhere it seemed to come, but the feeling was strong enough that it made him call out Kagome’s name, stopping  her before she had made it more than five steps.

“Kagome, wait!”

She turned around in surprise, seeing him standing at the top of the stairs with an odd expression on his face.  “What is it, Inu-Yasha?  Are you all right?”

“I… I think I figured it out.  The right reason…”

Kagome nearly dropped her bag when she heard him say those words; not only where they completely out of the blue, but they were something she had not expected to hear for a very long time to come.  Slowly, she climbed back up the stairs to stand in front of him, hardly daring to speak.  “…Yes?”

Inu-Yasha stared intensely at her, seeming to be a little short of breath as the implications of his realization made themselves known.  “I… I’m tired of it all, Kagome.  I’m tired of living my life in a daze.  But I never realized, until you came along, how much I was missing out on because of my drinking.  Before, I was perfectly content to spend all my days downing glass after glass of booze on my couch while things went on around me.  Everybody left me alone, nobody bothered me, and I thought that was all I needed.”  He didn’t notice how intently Kagome was listening to him, for he seemed to be overwhelmed by his realization.

“But when you showed up at the Tap that one night and took me home, that’s when things started to change.  It took me a little while, but I started to understand how much I wanted you there with me.  The only problem was…” He paused and shook his head, running his fingers through his hair in embarrassment.  “I was always too drunk to remember the next day what it felt like spending an evening with you.  It’s this damn drink that keeps me from recalling how nice it is to just sit and watch TV together, or what it feels like when you let me fall asleep in your lap.  Sure, I remember that I liked it, but I don’t remember just what exactly it’s like.  And dammit, Kagome, I hate thinking about all those wasted nights we’ve spent together that I don’t remember, all because I couldn’t hold off on the booze.”

“And then there’s the fact that, because I’m always so full of whiskey, we can never do anything together!  We can’t go out, we can’t go on assignments, we can’t do anything, and it’s because I can’t control my drinking!  I know you don’t mean to hurt me, but the thought of not being able to join you and your family for Christmas dinner because I’m an alcoholic…  It hurts…”  He hung his head, his voice growing a little choked.

“I was so lonely last night, Kagome…” he said softly.  “I wanted so badly to spend Christmas Eve with you.  But I couldn’t because of my drinking.  So I went over to Sango and Miroku’s, hoping to get invited in, and they did.  But I chickened out, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to last the entire night without a drink.  And you saw when you came over that I didn’t make it much longer after that before I was soused.”

Suddenly, he brought his head up to stare fiercely at her, his gaze strong.  “It’s gotta end, Kagome.  I can’t keep going through life regretting everything that’s happened.  I want to be able to celebrate holidays with everyone.  I want to be able to enjoy our time together and remember it the next day.  Dammit, I just want to be happy again!”

Panting heavily, he fixed her with his amber eyes that were brighter than she had ever seen them before.  “I think it’s about time that I deserve to be happy, don’t you?  And I’m not gonna be happy unless I quit drinking.  So, with that said, let me try this one more time.”

Taking a deep breath, he stood up straight and stared down at her.  “Because I want to enjoy my time with you…  Because I want to be truly happy…  Kagome, will you help me quit drinking?”

Her lip beginning to quiver as tears of joy streamed down her cheeks, she dropped her bag and leapt forward, crushing him in a powerful embrace.  “Yes…  Yes, I will…” she said, over and over into his chest as he squeezed her back.  “You figured it out… You actually figured it out…”

“Because of you, Kagome.” 

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There you have it.  The moment we all were waiting for.  Now the real fun begins…

Thanks for reading, and please, leave a review and let me know what you think!