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Guilty Hero

Chapter 21: Release

“Are you absolutely certain you want to do this, Kagome?” Miroku asked worriedly as they climbed out of the limo in front of the Order’s headquarters.  “It’s been almost two hours since you let him go home—he’s going to be in no shape for company.  Do I need to remind you what he did to me?”  He held up his left arm, where Kagome knew that four scar marred his skin underneath the jacket.

Kagome sighed, walking over to her car and unlocking it.  “No, you don’t need to remind me; I’m well aware of what I’m about to face.  But I have to have faith in Inu-Yasha.  He told me that he could never hurt me, and I have to believe that.”

“Be reasonable, Kagome,” Sango cut in sternly, joining Miroku on the curb while Kagome climbed into the driver’s seat.  “The man’s a drunk—any promise he makes when he’s sober flies out the window after he’s had a few drinks.  Surely you know that by now!  Trust us on this; we’ve been through seven of these galas with him.  You’re only going to get yourself hurt if you go over there now.”

Rolling down her window, Kagome frowned at the two of them, and both Sango and Miroku took a step back in surprise at the look on her face.  “Perhaps he always acts so poorly,” she began slowly, “because that’s what’s expected of him.”

Miroku blinked in confusion.  “What?  What do you mean by that?”

“From what I understand, you treat him every year like he’s some drunken monster, just waiting to rip off a limb from the first unsuspecting person who walks into his apartment.  While I don’t deny that might just be the case, I also think that he acts that way because you treat him that way.  Perhaps a little kindness, rather than fear and anger, might help him through the night without so many regrets the next morning.”

Though looking rather pensive at the comment, Miroku shook his head.  “That’s as may be.  We just don’t want to see you get hurt.  His tongue can be as sharp as his claws, and it’s difficult to avoid having one’s feelings bruised as well as one’s skin.  Please, won’t you reconsider?”

Beginning to grow rather nervous at their insistence to stay, for they seemed to be hinting that she might be going in over her head, Kagome tried to hide her growing doubts and quickly shook her head.  “No.  My mind is made up.  If he is such a wreck, then he needs someone there with him.  Otherwise he’ll never get better.”

With a heavy sigh, Sango rubbed her temples where a headache was starting.  “Fine.  If that’s how you feel about it…  We’ll go with you.  It’ll be harder for him to attack when there’s three of us rather than one.”

Kagome peered at them through the window.  “…Do you really think he’s going to attack me?”

Sango shrugged.  “I don’t really know.  We do know just because you’re his friend doesn’t mean he won’t lash out at you—Miroku’s living proof of that.  Don’t think you’re immune just because you two are close.  So, Miroku and I will go with you, that way we can hold him down while you do your thing.”

A dry smile tugged at Kagome’s lips.  “Well, while I appreciate the offer very much, I think you’re offering for the wrong reasons.  Besides, I think Inu-Yasha might feel more comfortable if it’s just me there; all three of us might make it seem like a confrontation, and he doesn’t seem to be the type to handle those well.”

The look on their faces proved her statement to be true, so she decided it was time to leave.  As she rolled her window up and turned the key to bring her car to life, she saw Miroku tap on the window, both he and Sango looking grave.  With a sigh, she rolled it down one last time.  “Yes?”

“If you need us, for anything, please just call.  We’ll be there.”

Smiling lightly, she nodded, touched by their offer.  This one, unlike Sango’s offer to ‘hold him down’, seemed to be genuine, and Kagome knew that they really were concerned about their friend.  “Thank you.”

Sango and Miroku both stepped back to the curb as she pulled away, watching worriedly until she turned a corner and went out of sight.  “I hope she’ll be okay…” Sango said softly, pulling her shawl tighter about her shoulders.

Looking down at her, Miroku smiled gently and took her hand.  “Sango, if anyone can handle Inu-Yasha, it’s Kagome.”  Still seeing doubt in her eyes, he added, “Maybe it’s time we stop having such faith in Inu-Yasha’s actions and more faith in Kagome’s.”

Sango looked at up him, clearly uncertain what to think.  “It’s hard to go against seven years of proof of his rotten behavior.  But on the other hand…  Kagome’s changed him, that’s for certain.”  Sighing she shook her head.  “Oh, I don’t know.”

With a light laugh, Miroku put an arm around her shoulders and led her over to his car that was also parked by the curb.  “Come on, let me take you home.  It’s been a long night.”

“Huh.  I’ll say.  I can’t wait to get out of this dress.”

“Aw, why?  You look so lovely in it!  I think you should wear it to work tomorrow.”

Although blushing a bright red, Sango pinched his hand as it started to slide below her shoulder blades.  “You know, the only reason I didn’t slap you during the dance tonight was because we were being watched by dozens of people.  Since we’re alone now, you don’t have that buffer, so I would watch where you put your hands.”

“Hmph.”  Pulling his hand away and blowing on the sore spot while he held the car door open for her, he said in a whiny voice, “You know, you should be glad that I wanted you to leave your dress on.  Most other men would be overjoyed to hear you want to get out of it!  OUCH!”  He received another vicious pinch at the comment.

“That is exactly where your mind went when I said that, you lech, and don’t try to deny it!”

Now blowing on two wounds, he walked around to the driver’s side and climbed in.  “I think I prefer being slapped to being pinched…” he whimpered.

Sighing, Sango rested her head in her hand.  “Just take me home, and I can get you some ice, okay?”

Although he remained silent as he started the car and pulled out onto the road, he couldn’t stop a grin from spreading across his face;  getting invited into her apartment had been his final goal, after all.  Sango looked over at him, and, seeing the grin, let out a soft groan and looked away.

oOoOoOoOoOo

“Finally…” Kagome breathed, wiping her sweaty bangs from her eyes.  Climbing six flights of stairs in a dress had been bad enough, but this time she was climbing six flights of stairs in a dress with an overnight bag slung over one shoulder.  It contained a pair of pajamas and another set of clothes for the next day; she had a feeling the whole ordeal with Inu-Yasha could go well into the night, and did not want to spend the night sleeping on his couch in a very nice, very expensive evening gown.  She had considered changing into a different outfit inside the restroom in the lobby, but the whole apartment building was rather dingy and grimy, and she didn’t even want to imagine how unsanitary the restroom was.  So, she decided to tough it out and climb up to Inu-Yasha’s apartment in her gown.  At the end of the climb, she was debating whether or not she had made the right decision, but it was too late to bother.

For awhile, she simply stood in front of the door, panting from exertion.  To be honest, she really was nervous about going inside.  Sango and Miroku’s constant warnings had hit home, and she couldn’t help but think of the four white scars on Miroku’s forearm or the grave looks on their faces when they thought back to galas past.  She also couldn’t help but recall the night of the rally, and how powerful Inu-Yasha’s anger had been.  She swallowed hard at the thought.

Taking a deep breath, she shook her head to clear such thoughts away and stood up straight, trying to instill confidence.  “Don’t worry, Kagome,” she said quietly, not wanting to disturb the neighbors with her self-pep talk.  “You handled him then, you can handle him now.  Besides, you’ve done nothing wrong this time around—you even had a breakthrough with him earlier!  Now stop being such a wimp and go in there and do your job!”

With confidence her movements, she grabbed the doorknob and flung open the door, then paused before entering—she probably shouldn’t be so obnoxious.  With quieter steps, she slowly walked in and quietly shut the door, squinting around the dark apartment.  The light in the kitchen was on, which gave her enough light to see by, but she still had to be careful not to bump into anything as she padded over to the couch and set her duffel bag, purse, shawl, shoes, and Inu-Yasha’s coat down.  Then, not realizing that she was trying to be absolutely silent, for the heaviness of the air seemed to muffle all sounds, she walked over to the doorway of the kitchen and peered inside.  “Inu-Yasha?” she asked softly, not wanting to scare him.

He was sitting at the kitchen table, slumped over a tumbler with an almost full bottle of whiskey clenched in his fist; another empty bottle was on its side a few inches away from his foot.  An open pack of cigarettes and a lighter were laying next to an ashtray, but the smoking cigarette in the ashtray appeared to have been abandoned for drink, for the stick was burned down almost to the filter.  His cummerbund was strewn across the other end of the table, while his bowtie still hung untied around his neck.  His unbuttoned sleeves and open shirt added to his disheveled appearance. 

He had been mumbling quietly to himself, but when Kagome said his name, he suddenly went silent.  Slowly turning his head, he stared at her with hazy, bloodshot eyes, and his gaze was none-too friendly.  Swallowing hard, she held up a hand to show that she was backing off.  “I was… just checking in,” she said, taking a step back.  “I’ll just go… um, change clothes.”

After gazing eerily at her for another moment longer, he turned back to his drink and drained the entire tumbler, then automatically poured more whiskey in as soon as he set it down on the table.  Kagome frowned in worry at the sight, but simply shook her head and stepped away, thinking it best not to walk in unprepared.

Inu-Yasha shut his eyes as his unwelcome visitor left the room, already forgotten.  He was far too focused on the blurry images swirling around his head to waste any attention on the real world.  A soft groan escaped him as scenes from the video continued to play before his eyes as a never-ending reminder of why he was doing this to himself now.

“Damn you, Naraku…” he muttered, coherent only in his own ears.  “Takin’ Kikyo away from me…  We was gonna get married, y’know…  Her an’ me…”  He grimaced as the video in his head displayed the spray of red that was Kikyo’s blood, and leaned back in his chair as he drank the tumbler dry in an effort to chase the image away.  Why did he do it?  Why did he take Kikyo’s life away?

He moaned as he slumped forward again.  He asked himself that question every year, and never had come up with an answer that he deemed worthy.  “I was told to…” he mumbled into the table as he rested his head on his arm, trying to come up with an excuse.  “They told me, ‘if Kikyo joins wi’ Naraku, you gotta stop ‘er, at all costs’.  At all costs…  I wish I woulda known wha’ that meant…  Shoulda jus’ taken you away, Kikyo…  Taken ya outta th’ city…  Not kill ya…”  He cringed at his last words and dragged his eyes open, slowly tipping the bottle to pour another drink.  “Coulda just let somebody else kill Naraku, you an’ me wouldn’ have t’ deal wi’ him anymore.  Jus’ leave th’ city behind…”

Deep down in the sober recesses of his mind, he knew why he hadn’t just carted her away; his conscience wouldn’t allow him to let the city fall under the rule of such a terrible monster.  But he had always hated himself for choosing the city over Kikyo, no matter how corrupt she had become.  In his mind, she was still his savior, his love, the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.  No matter how many gifts of gratitude the city showered upon him, he always regretted his final decision.

“Damn it, Kikyo, I didn’ wanna do it…  I didn’ want to…”

oOoOoOo

Kagome emerged from the bedroom, relieved to be out of the evening gown and in her favorite cat print pajamas.  She had purposefully taken her time getting changed so that she could gather her wits; she knew that Sango and Miroku had forewarned her, but she still hadn’t been quite prepared for the sight she’d been greeted with. 

Taking a deep breath, she slowly made her way out into the living room, making sure to tread softly past the kitchen.  She did pause to peek inside, but Inu-Yasha had hardly moved from the position she’d left him in, although he was mumbling to himself once again.  Wishing she could hear what he was saying, she simply shook her head and went over to the pile she had left on the couch.

After gently draping her gown over the back of the armchair, she went over to her duffel bag and started to place her shoes inside, then paused when she caught sight of a bit of gold.  Reaching into the bag, she pulled the cigar tin and the ‘City Hero’ medal out, staring thoughtfully at them for a moment.  Since Inu-Yasha had left the gala rather abruptly, she had snagged them on her way out.  She wasn’t certain if he wanted them or not, but thought it would be best to take them with her, just in case.

“Hm…”  She could use them as a way to spark a conversation with the demon.  Yes, she knew that he hated the sight of the medal, but it was a risk she would have to take.  She needed to try and distract him from whatever it was that was spurring his drinking on, and if this was what it took, so be it.  Squaring her shoulders, she turned around and slowly entered the kitchen.

For a moment, she paused and studied him closely; he was uttering low growls every now and again into his glass.  His right hand was still clutching the bottleneck like a lifeline, and he was resting his forehead against the side of the bottle as though he needed to constantly reassure himself of its presence.  He never even noticed that she had entered the room.  She had never seen him so lost in a whiskey daze before; it was as though he wanted to sink further and further away from harsh reality, but the world he seemed to be wandering in was just as hard on him as the real one.

Trying hard to stay in control of herself, for she was gravely worried to see him in such a condition, she carefully approached the table and asked slowly, “Inu-Yasha?”

The far-away look in his eyes disappeared in a moment as his gaze suddenly locked on her, a snarl at his lips.  He said nothing, only stared unblinking at her, his red-rimmed eyes causing the hair on the back of her neck to stand up.  He was not in his right mind at all. 

For a moment, Kagome had to search for her voice, for his gaze was that intense.  However, she had to remind herself, He said he would never hurt me, no matter how drunk he is, no matter how angry he is.  Trust him.  So, swallowing hard, she asked with only a slight waver in her voice, “I brought these home from the gala, and I didn’t know if you wanted them or not.”  She displayed the two items for him.

For some reason, his gaze softened as he looked at the items, and he looked almost wistful as he stretched a hand towards them.  “Gifts…” he slurred, so low that it was difficult for Kagome to hear.  Suddenly, he slapped the cigar tin out of her hands, where it crashed into the floor with a clatter, making Kagome jump in surprise.  Then he reached for the medal, grasping it and pulling it closer to his face with a sad expression that contradicted his violent swipe a second earlier.

“’City Hero…’”  Slowly, effortlessly, he closed his fist around the medal, and when he opened his palm again, the heavy gold was folded in two. 

“Inu-Yasha…” Kagome said again, hesitant and unsure of what to do.  She had never seen him like this before.  “Please, tell me what’s wrong—“

“SHUT UP!!” he suddenly bellowed, making her leap from fright.  He hurled the damaged medallion across the room, where it clanged into the sink and made the awful sound of metal against metal until it finally skidded to a halt in the drain.  “Leave me alone!  I didn’ want you t’ come here!”

Taking a deep breath to ease her tense nerves, Kagome replied, “I can’t leave you alone; you need help, Inu-Yasha.  Please, won’t you let me help you?”

His furious gaze easing into one of tired annoyance, he turned away from her in disinterest and took a deep gulp from his glass.  “It ain’t worth it…” he muttered, resting his forehead against the bottle once again.  “No more medals…  No more gifts…  I ain’t worth it…”

Confusion threatening to take over, Kagome shook her head; it wouldn’t do to try and figure out the cause of his strange behavior.  What was most important was getting him to stop drinking for the night.  However, any attempt she made to pry the bottle from his grasp made for a spark in his temper and some furious growls, and she soon retreated to the living room to get a moment’s peace.

She finally decided to wait until he had drunk his fill before going in and helping him to bed—he had made it clear that she wasn’t going to make off with the precious commodity, and she was afraid he would wake the other tenants if he got any louder in his protests.  So, taking a seat on the couch, she turned the television on and settled down to wait.

Watching him was one of the worst tasks to do; as a nurse, it was incredibly difficult to watch someone poison their body with that much liquor, and as his friend, her heart ached to ease the pain that spurred his drinking on.  She desperately wanted to help him, to talk to him, to do anything to take away the hurt, but he wouldn’t allow it, and she could do nothing but sit and watch.

oOoOo

It wasn’t until one o’ clock in the morning before he finally drained the last few droplets from the whiskey bottle.  After swallowing, he rested his head on the table, uttering a low moan as he gave a shudder.  Ever-watchful, even after almost two full hours, Kagome sighed and stood up, knowing it was finally time to intervene.  However, before she even made it to the kitchen, she stopped, watching in amazement as Inu-Yasha slowly got to his feet.

For a moment, he leaned heavily against the table, obviously dizzy and looking more than a little sick.  But after a few seconds he staggered over to the counter, pausing only to get his bearings before reaching up and groping for the cabinet handle.  His perception was clearly skewed, and it took him several tries before grasping the knob by pure luck. 

As he flung open the door and peered drunkenly inside at the empty shelves, Kagome decided to step in.  “Inu-Yasha…” she began quietly, stepping into the kitchen.  “It’s all gone.  There’s no more.”

Though he never turned to look at her, he obviously heard, for his shoulders slumped and his hand dropped down.

“Please, won’t you come to bed?” she continued, taking a step closer to him.  “You need to sleep; it’s been a long, difficult day, and if you go to sleep, it will finally be over.  Don’t you want that?”

Inu-Yasha slowly turned around, keeping a firm grip on the counter the entire time.  Yes, he did want that.  He wanted to go to sleep and have this hellish reality be done.  But…  His glassy-eyed stare slid to the empty whiskey bottle on the table, and a soft whine escaped from his throat.  He was so close… so close to drinking away all those horrible images running rampant in his head…  So close to being rid of them for good, if he only had a little more…

Kagome watched the strange play of emotions cross his flushed face, until he finally settled on determination.  With a great deal of effort, he pushed off the counter and staggered to the doorway, brushing her aside as he passed.

“Inu-Yasha?” she asked, her tone rising as her worry increased.  She quickly chased after him, and, realizing that he was heading for the door, managed to block it before he ever got close.  “Where do you think you’re going?  You’re in no condition to be going anywhere.”

Seeing his way blocked, he abruptly stopped, swaying dizzily and placing a hand on his side table to stay upright.  “Muh…move…” he rasped, trying to glare at one of the four Kagomes spinning in his vision.  “Jus’ need… a li’l more…”

“I’m not moving until you turn around and get in bed,” she replied sternly, trying to sound firm even though she really wanted to cry; it was horrible to see him so lost.

His temper flaring suddenly, his eyes flashed and he growled, “Get away from th’ door, ya damn woman.  I want s’more whiskey an’ you aren’ helpin’.”

“No,” came Kagome’s even reply, although her voice was shaky.

She saw his whole body tense at the answer, and soon his feeble hold over his temper shattered.  “I said MOVE!!” he roared, bringing his fist down on the table so hard that it shattered. 

“No,” she said again, unable to keep from shaking at the frightening display of power.

His eyes wide with fury and his limbs trembling from rage, he bellowed, “Dammit, bitch, I need more whiskey!!   GET AWAY FROM THE DAMN DOOR!!”

Kagome could bear it no longer.  Frightened for her own safety and fighting hard to hold back her tears she had been restraining all evening, she burst out, “Oh, Inu-Yasha, please!  You don’t need any more whiskey!  Why?  What could you possibly want any more for?  You’ve already destroyed your life, what more could you possibly do with it?!”

For a moment, he seemed to be frozen in place, the wide-eyed glare and bared fangs making her uncertain if he really was going to attack her.  But slowly his tense muscles relaxed, and he hung his head, staggering to the left until his shoulder bumped into the wall.  He slid down to the floor and sat there, where only a few shudders indicated that he was still conscious.

Silence reigned for a few moments.  Kagome was still pressed against the door, to terrified to move.  But the sound that finally broke into her thoughts was a choked sob, coming from the mound on the floor.

She blinked, then finally took a step away from the door as she looked down at Inu-Yasha.  His shoulders were shaking, and she heard another moan escape from the mass of hair that obscured his face.  “Inu-Yasha…” 

Despite the extent of her fear, seeing her tormentor appear so weak and fragile chased the feeling away, and she walked over and sat down next to him.  Peeking at his face from under his white bangs, she saw that tears were falling from eyes squeezed shut, and a fang was jutted over his lip as he tried to stop the inevitable.

“Oh, Inu-Yasha…”  She gingerly put an arm around his shoulders and gave him a gentle squeeze, and that was all the invitation he needed.  With a pained wail, he crumpled into her lap, gripping the fabric of her pajamas and sobbing openly as all of the emotions of the evening came crashing down upon him.

Kagome cradled his head in her arms, stroking his hair and murmuring soothing words as he wept, tears that had been building up for seven years coming forth.

“I’m so sorry…” he cried, over and over, shaking his head.  “I’m so sorry…  for everything…  For Kikyo…  For Sango and Miroku…  For you…  I’m so sorry…”

Kagome could hardly hold back her own tears as she listened to him, feeling all the intense, raw grief coming out.  But at the same time, she couldn’t help but feel some small bit of happiness; this was exactly what he needed to do.  He needed to let everything go.

“I…I-I don’ wanna hurt you…” he whimpered.  “I don’ wanna hurt anybody…  I never meant to…”

“Shh…” she said softly, continuing to stroke his hair as his sobs slowly began to wane.  “I know you don’t.  I know.  Everything will be all right.  You’ll see.  Everything will be fine…”

He sniffled, and took a shuddering breath, keeping a firm grip on her pajamas, for it offered a strange amount of comfort to him.  “I’m sorry, Kagome…” he whispered softly.

Allowing a single tear to slide down her cheek, she replied, “Thank you.”

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Well, there you have it.  Thanks for reading, and please leave a review.  I’m very interested in your thoughts on this one.