Won 1st Place in the "Modern Japan" prompt at InuComedy Club (LiveJournal).

Word Count: 3,433

"But Mommy," the annoying little boy whined, "I want a puppy!"

"Sorry dear, but I don’t have the free time to take care of it. You’ll have to settle for a guinea pig."

"I’ll take care of it! I promise!" Inuyasha scoffed inwardly; he’d heard that before. Somehow, half the time when the idiot parents listened to their kids, they ended up bringing the animal back to him a week later asking for a refund. So far, he hadn’t given a single yen back, but he would take the poor, neglected animals off their hands.

"No, Sosuke."

"But, Mooooooommmmmmm…" But the mother wouldn’t budge, turning to drag her moany-assed son out of the store. For Inuyasha, it was nice to see a parent put her foot down, and even nicer to see them leave the store. As soon as they vanished from view he darted over to the front entrance and flipped the open/closed sign around before anyone else could come in. Sighing, he slumped against the door and reflected on the long morning. His stomach was hankering for something with meat in it, preferably rare, and he knew just the place. It was a little shop two blocks over, and the owner was a youkai so he knew exactly how a carnivorous hanyou liked his roast beef.

It had been a trying six months since he’d come to live in the modern era permanently. He figured he would find a job on a construction site, or some other occupation that involved manual labor. Then Sesshoumaru had shown up, stating that he had lived through the five hundred year time difference and wished to make amends for being an insufferable asshole all those years. Now, he didn’t say it exactly like that… But Inuyasha couldn’t have held much of a grudge against his brother even if he had wanted to, not when Sesshoumaru had given him this pet store. The more he thought about it, the more grateful he was. Could he honestly imagine himself working for somebody, taking orders from some puny human? He almost started growling just thinking about it. Of course, Sesshoumaru did drop in occasionally to check up on him, berate him for his stupidity, tell him how to run the business… For the most part, Inuyasha just ignored him, and the store was doing just fine anyway.

Movement off to his right drew his attention to the only permanent resident of the store, and his favorite: Big Bertha, the thirteen-foot reticulated python. She was a little more active than usual, probably anticipating her biweekly meal of live rabbit. But she would have to wait until after hours, for obvious reasons. Bertha had become quite an attraction in the neighborhood, especially with the curious children. That certainly helped business, but was it worth the cost of her custom-made terrarium that took up one entire wall of the store? Sesshoumaru lectured him long and hard about that point, but he didn’t particularly give a damn if keeping the snake was uneconomical. He liked Big Bertha. He enjoyed just holding her sometimes after work, allowing the power in her body to sap all the tension from his body as she slithered over him. As a matter of fact, that sounded like a good idea right about now, and he strode over to the terrarium, opening it and slinking inside. Bertha was docile around him as usual, and he easily hefted her onto his shoulders as he stroked her long, scaly body. Sometimes, he was absolutely sure she enjoyed it, though nobody would suspect a snake would appreciate being petted. She was beautiful and deadly, a combination that always seemed to enchant him. His own mate was the same way.

Ah, Kagome…she had been with child for five months, and her first pregnancy wasn’t treating her too well. Mood swings, cravings, and all the typical side effects were especially pronounced, probably because the child inside her was part youkai. The worst part was the wildly fluctuating sexual desire. One week, she would be hornier than ever before and the next she wouldn’t even want to look at him. Those times were hard to take; Inuyasha was used to having his mate be as attracted to him as he was to her. Come to think of it, how long had it been since they’d made love? Five…Six…Seven… A week and a half?!!! They hadn’t gone that long without having sex since they first hooked up over two years ago!!! Maybe that was why Kagome had been so cranky these past few days. Well, he certainly knew how to fix this problem. Dinner, a movie, and all the sex her pregnant body could handle; that should do the trick. Hmm…perhaps he could go home early and get started on that. Lunch would have to be canceled, but he wasn’t hungry anymore, at least not for food. Closing the store for the entire afternoon was not small affair, but it was his store, dammit! He had been working his ass off lately, and deserved an afternoon off. Decision made, he began to set Bertha down on her tree when the door jingle signaled someone entering the store behind him.

"Sorry, we’re closed," he called politely, when he really wanted to just tell the person to get the hell out.

"This Sesshoumaru is not a customer, brother." Inuyasha grumbled under his breath, exiting the terrarium and kicking the door shut behind him.

"What the hell are you doing here, bastard?" The answer appeared from Sesshoumaru’s bent arm, raising its head and barking in that high-pitched way that never failed to piss Inuyasha off. It was like nails on a chalk board, except this stupid dog never stopped. It was a west highland terrier named Fluffy, and it was the bane of everything with sensitive ears, including inu youkai. The only one who could get this retarded dog to stop barking was the owner, Kagura. She and Sesshoumaru had stopped having children centuries ago, so the wind sorceress had taken to keeping dogs to fill the void. She was also the only one who actually liked the dog. As far as Inuyasha was concerned, the only good quality about Fluffy was his name, which had led to one of his fondest memories…

*Flashback*

Inuyasha had been invited over to Sesshoumaru’s place one morning to discuss something about the pet store. They were sitting around the kitchen table, his brother reading the paper and completely ignoring him. The dog was at his bowl, only quiet because it was stuffing its craw. Kagura came bustling into the room.

"Fluffy, are you done eating yet?" she called, just making idle conversation with the dog.

"I already finished, dear," Sesshoumaru answered, not even realizing his mistake until Inuyasha choked on his tea.

"Y-you respond to ‘Fluffy?’" he sputtered through his laughing fit. The store had opened late that morning; it had taken him that long to compose himself.

*End Flashback*

That had been the one and only time he had ever seen Sesshoumaru blush. But even that hilarious episode couldn’t endear him to that damn dog and its damn barking. Why wouldn’t it stop?! And why was it here?!

"Sess, why the fuck did you bring that fucking rat here?!"

"Do you think this Sesshoumaru enjoys carrying this, as you say, rat around with him? This Sesshoumaru has a business meeting to attend, and Kagura is at one her antique auctions again. You are required to watch the dog for a couple hours."

"No."

"Excuse me?"

"Fuck no."

"Inuyasha, perhaps you need to be reminded of who gave you this—"

"Save it, Fluffy! You can’t guilt me into this. I have plans! Why does that damn mutt need a babysitter anyway?"

"Last year he got his head stuck in a shoe when he was home alone. Kagura found him running around smashing into walls, and since then she refuses to allow him to go unsupervised." Inuyasha couldn’t help but snicker at that, his mood improving somewhat.

"So take him to your fuckin’ meeting. I’m sure the stuffed shirts at your company could relate to the single stupidest dog on the planet." Sesshoumaru didn’t appreciate the humor; he was rapidly losing his patience.

"Allow this Sesshoumaru to repeat himself one more time. You will watch this dog until 2:00." Inuyasha glanced at the clock, which read 11:47. Two hours? I guess I can postpone my plans for Kagome that long.

"Fine, but at 2:01 I’m throwing him in the rabbit cage and you can fucking pick him up in the morning!"

"Fair enough. This Sesshoumaru is never late." With that, Sesshoumaru literally tossed him the dog and departed. Inuyasha sighed, glaring down at the startled mutt in his arms, barking up at him.

"Dammit! Would you shut the fuck up already?!" No such luck. Growling dangerously, he found the end of Fluffy’s leash and tied it to a handy display stand. Grabbing his keys, he fled the store, locking the door behind him and setting off down the block. Lunch was back on, after all. Feh! If Sesshoumaru thinks I’m gonna stay there with that dumb mutt the whole time, he’s fucking crazy! Besides, what could possibly happen?

Inuyasha returned an hour later, rubbing his stomach in contentment. He flipped the open/closed sign back to open as he entered the store, but that good feeling vanished as soon as he turned around. The display stand Fluffy had been tied to was lying on the ground, its contents spilled out all over the floor. The leashed trailed off until it vanished behind the main desk. Dammit! I’m going to murder this fucking mutt!

"Come on out, furball," he sighed, knowing that he couldn’t hurt Fluffy, no matter how much he wanted to. When no response came, he started to get a little worried. Uh-oh…Kagura will have my hide if he got injured when that stand fell on him. Grabbing the end of the leash, he untied it from the stand and gave it a gentle pull…only to feel a heavy weight on the other end, far heavier than a lapdog should have been. Gulping, a sinking feeling settling in the pit of his stomach, Inuyasha looked behind the desk. Oh, shit… There lay Big Bertha, the leash trailing into her mouth. A small but noticeable bulge characterized her midsection, and he suddenly had no doubt as to where Fluffy was. Big Bertha had eaten him.

"FUCK!!!"

How had this happened? How had she gotten out of her terrarium? That damn door latch! It had broken last week, and now it had to be shut manually or the door wouldn’t stay shut. And in the "excitement" of Sesshoumaru’s arrival, he had forgotten. Quickly he snatched up the free end of the leash, beginning a long slow pull intended to withdraw the dog while causing the least amount of stress to the snake. There was no way Fluffy was still alive—Bertha was a constrictor, like all pythons—but if he could get him out he could pretend the dog died of natural causes. At the very least, his favorite snake wouldn’t have to face Kagura’s formidable wrath. He could handle himself against the wind witch, even if Tetsusaiga was hanging over the mantle at home, but Bertha would be torn to pieces by that enchanted fan Kagura still carried around wherever she went.

His plan went to shit when the leash came out with no dog attached. Somewhere in the process of swallowing him, Bertha had released the catch on Fluffy’s leash. Son of a bitch!! That was it. It was over. He might as well do Bertha a favor and kill her humanely. Or maybe there was another way… It was an idea that bordered on the insane, but it was the only hope left. Bertha wouldn’t like it, but hopefully she would forgive him eventually. He thanked the Kami for his hanyou strength, because he was going to need every last ounce of it to wrestle with this enormously powerful animal.

Bertha seemed to know he carried ill intent for her in his mind; she pulled back and hissed at him when he stooped to pick her up. But Inuyasha was not going to be deterred. In a lightning quick move, he drove his open hand down onto her "neck," the vulnerable point just behind her head. Her body coiled around his leg, but there wasn’t much she could do at this point. He picked her up, tapping her nose a few times until she opened her mouth to snap at him. That was the cue he was waiting for, as he placed his hand inside her mouth. But noooooo, this wasn’t crazy…

It was completely fuck nuts! He wasn’t worried about Bertha suffocating; snakes have a way to breath even when they’re swallowing prey much larger than themselves. But he hadn’t counted on those fucking teeth! She continually drove them into his skin as he pushed his hand further down her throat, making countless tiny incisions. All he could do was grit his teeth and bear it, as the accumulated blood from the wounds pooled and started dripping onto the floor. Fuck! My arm is going to look like a tube of Swiss cheese by the time I get it out of there! And yet, even with most of his arm inside the snake, his fingers were still a good two feet away from the Fluffy-sized lump near her midsection. And unless his arm suddenly got that much longer in the next two minutes, this salvage mission was doomed to failure. Moron! Why the fuck didn’t I measure my reach *before* sticking my hand down her throat! He was just about to withdraw his arm and give up when the door jingle chimed, signaling the arrival of customers. Oh…fuck… Twin gasps drew his attention to the entryway, where two little schoolgirls were standing, eyes wider than saucers and hands covering their mouths. And there he was, one arm completely inside an enormous snake.

*blink blink*

*blink blink*

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAKKKKK!!!!!!!!"

Somehow the shop’s windows remained intact, but Inuyasha was pretty sure his eardrums were shot. The girls turned and fled, still screaming bloody murder as they sprinted down the street. Curious onlookers started to flock toward the entrance to the store, and Inuyasha quickly ducked down behind the desk to conceal himself. Snarling in irritation, he pried Bertha’s upper jaw open enough with his free hand to withdraw his tenderized arm. The snake immediately retreated, curling up in the corner and eyeing him warily.

"Everything ok in here?" one of the concerned bystanders asked. Sighing, Inuyasha swiped his hand down his face in aggravation, then plastered on a painfully fake smile before standing to face the crowd which had gathered in his store.

"Yep! Everything’s fine!"

"But you’re bleeding!" one of the women exclaimed.

"Oh, that? It’s not serious. Just a snake bite; not poisonous or anything," he replied dismissively, his tone indicating that he wanted these people to get the hell out. Some of them took the hint, but a couple were too stubborn or stupid.

"Why would a snake bite you? Were you playing with it?" one man asked reproachfully. Inuyasha felt a vein pop in his forehead. How much trouble would I get into for strangling this guy? Nah…not worth it. But he had to come up with some explanation, so he blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

"I…uh…I was giving her medicine. They only had it in suppository form, and she didn’t like that." He grimaced internally. Suppository was the first thing you thought of? Really? Man…what does that say about me? He would think about that later. Right now, he had other things to worry about, like getting these nosey bastards to leave the store! Fortunately, the mental image of sticking a pill up a snake’s rectum did the trick, and the stubborn few who remained departed quickly. Glancing up at the clock, he groaned. 1:34. That meant he had less than a half hour before Sesshoumaru arrived to retrieve Fluffy, only to find that the little dog was reptile food. Ah, well, there was nothing for it. He spent the time returning Bertha to her terrarium, patching up his arm, and cleaning his blood off the floor. Sesshoumaru arrived at 1:57, and immediately stopped and sniffed heavily, eyeing Inuyasha suspiciously.

"You were bleeding," he said simply.

"Awww, Fluffy, I didn’t know you cared," Inuyasha teased lamely, failing to hide his nervousness. Sesshoumaru merely narrowed his eyes, glancing around the store. Not finding what he was looking for, his gaze returned to his half-brother.

"Where is Fluffy, Inuyasha?" he spoke in a voice deadly calm.

"Uh…ACK!" Not receiving an answer, Sesshoumaru launched himself forward and grabbed Inuyasha by the throat.

"Where the fuck is he, Inuyasha?" The hanyou’s eyes widened; he had never heard his brother swear before. Knocking Sesshoumaru’s hand away, he fell back a couple steps, his own temper rising to match the other youkai’s.

"You wanna know where the fuck he is, Sesshoumaru? Right over there!" he yelled, pointing a single clawed finger at Bertha’s terrarium. It took a few seconds to for understanding to dawn on Sesshoumaru, but when it did, the inu youkai did the most frightening and unexpected thing of all. He smiled. It wasn’t much, just a small upturn of the corners of his lips, but it was enough to send a chill down Inuyasha’s spine. He was well beyond weirded out.

"Wh-why the fuck are you smiling?"

"Don’t you see, Inuyasha? This is perfect. This Sesshoumaru has desired to get rid of that dog for months, and now you have accomplished that while taking all the blame for yourself. For once, your incredible incompetence has proved beneficial."

"Bastard…and what makes you think this isn’t party your fault?"

"How would any of this be this Sesshoumaru’s fault, Inuyasha? Pray tell."

"Uh…well, I bet Kagura didn’t tell you to ditch the dog with me! I’ll bet she told you to watch it all day!" Sesshoumaru’s face paled slightly, and Inuyasha knew he had him. "Yeah, and since you knew about my ‘incredible incompetence,’ she’ll blame you for leaving the dog with me in the first place. Ha!"

"That may be so, but you are still mostly at fault. And Kagura will not raise a hand to her own mate, but I doubt she will extend that immunity to her half-brother-in-law."

"Feh! I ain’t afraid of your mate. I kicked her ass 500 years ago, and I can do it again!"

"Really? Then you won’t mind accompanying this Sesshoumaru to his residence and informing Kagura that her dog is no longer among the living." Inuyasha knew he was stuck at this point. If he refused, it would be as good as admitting he was a coward. Besides, if he went along, then he could present his side of the story and keep Sesshoumaru from screwing him over. He wouldn’t put it past the bastard to twist the facts and make this entirely his fault…

"Fine! Let’s go!"

"Eager, are we? To rush to your own doom? Well, you always did love to charge thoughtlessly into battle."

"Shut up, bastard." The sibling banter continued until they reached their destination, Sesshoumaru’s mansion. They found Kagura lounging in one of the sitting rooms, studying her latest antique purchase.

"Oh, Sesshy, you’re back," she exclaimed, rising to her feet and striding towards them. "And Inuyasha too? Where’s Fluffy?"

"Fluffy is—" Inuyasha started, only to be cut off by his brother.

"Fluffy is dead. Inuyasha asked to watch him for a few minutes and then fed him to his pet snake."

"Wh-why you…" Inuyasha snarled, enraged at Sesshoumaru’s betrayal. Unfortunately, he didn’t get a chance to act on that on that anger.

"WHAT!!! FLUFFY!!! DEAD!!!" Kagura shrieked, her eyes locking onto Inuyasha like a tiger staring down potential prey. Without another word, she whipped out her fan, opened it, and waved it in front of her with a mighty heave.

"RYUUJA NO MAI!!!!!!!!"

Crashes, explosions, and yells could be heard for miles around, as Sesshoumaru’s once pristine mansion received a rather violent makeover. It seems our favorite inu youkai lord had miscalculated. Ah, but such is the price of betrayal…

The End